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Thinking Through the Food

As you may or may not know, I am a mental health counselor.  I was listening to a Jillian Michaels’ Podcast, and Janice was talking about the concept “thinking though the drink.”  This is an AA concept that was developed in order to help addicts think about how they would feel after drinking that drink and how that one drink would affect their life and relationships.  Janice and Jillian applied this to food and to think through the food.

Recently, I notice myself starting to do this more and more.  For example, I work late every Thursday night, and we do not get time off for dinner.  Of course (like most Thursdays)I forgot to pack water and a snack.  Because it is such a long day, a bunch of the counselors usually go out for lunch .  This means by the time I am driving home I am starving, and right before my exit home is a Wendy’s.  Boy, do I love Wendy’s, and my better half hates Wendy’s.  So, the only time I really get to eat Wendy’s is on my way home Thursday nights.

The whole drive, I am thinking about how I am going to feel after I eat Wendy’s.  I know it is not very good for me, and I know that what I really want is high in calories.  I know that after I eat it I am going to feel like a fat pig.  I know that after I eat it I am going to feel bad because I am not exercising (Thursday is my rest day since I get home so late).  I know that it is going to mess up my calories for the day and I am probably going to go over.  I know that I am going to be disappointed in myself for giving into the unhealthy urge. In fact, the only good thought I have about it is “Gee, it sounds really good.”

And, even though I know it is bad for me, I eat it anyway.  To no surprise, I always end up feeling exactly the way I predicted.  What I can’t figure out is why I continue to make the same choice.  Why do I not choose a healthier option?  To be really honest, I cannot think of an answer.  It really bothers me that I continue to make decisions I know are not healthy.  I’m not hurting anyone but myself and my journey.  I don’t know if I am sabotaging myself.  It just makes me mad.  I even got a compliment from a co-worker that it looks like I am losing more weight.

I just don’t know what to do to make it stop.  Maybe it is making a healthy option at home.  That way, I know I have food waiting on me when I get home.  I just want to start making healthy decisions.

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Good Day

The good news is I did not want to eat everything in sight today.  I was super grateful.  It really was not fun, and I really hate that I am having those side effects.

For breakfast, i tried to eat one of my banana oatmeal pumpkin bars; however, it did not taste very good.  I made modifications to the recipe, and it did not have any flour or anything in it (just the oatmeal), which gave it a really mushy texture.  I was kind of disappointed.  I will have to play around to see if I can come up with a good recipe.

Today was my better half’s doctor’s appointment today.  We got not so good news.  The foot looks good, which before it looked horrible.  However, one of the tissue cultures came back positive for infection.  Now we have to go to the infectious disease doctor and probably start a 4 week course of intravenous antibiotic.  Not the best news in the world, but I guess it could be worse.

In terms of emotional eating, I did really well.  I did have a regular soda, but I counted it in my calories.  Soda is not usually good for me (for all of the obvious reasons and) it makes me retain water.  I also wanted a chocolate chip cookie, which I am a sucker for.  However, I went for a walk before I ate it (in addition to my regular workout) in order to burn more calories AND I only ate half of the cookie.  I feel like that is a win.  According to by bodymedia, I still created a wicked calorie deficit.  I know I still have a long way to go, but I think I am making better choices.

When I went to Wal-Greens to pick up my better half’s prescription, I found they have brands called Delish and Nice! that are all-natural and clean.  I picked up some cookies, because my better half asked me to, and some yogurt covered raisins.  I have not tried them yet, but at least I know if I am going to eat something sweet, and least it is not going to further damage my health.

Today was a day of not so great news, but good choices.  I call it a win!!

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Womanly Problems

Just a warning…this post may be a little TMI.  So, if you’re not interested, don’t read.

Today has been horrible in terms of cravings.  It’s “that time of the month for me.”  Without getting into a whole lot of detail, I already have lots of problems during this time of the month.  Recently, I have started to get really bad cravings where I just want to eat everything in sight.  I did everything to try to get the cravings to subside.  I really wanted candy and cookies.  I had a little bit of some ice cream with some oreos.  Then, I had some peanut better frozen yogurt with peanut butter cups.

I also made some banana pumpkin oatmeal bars in addition to cooking dinner.  I made a healthy spaghetti and a mess all over my entire kitchen.  It was awful to clean up.  I think I baked in order to make something healthy that I would enjoy instead of buying (and subsequently eating) an entire box of chocolate chip cookies.

Here’s the kicker….I feel incredibly guilty for the stuff I ate today.  However, I was hungry most of the day and just now feel satisfied after eating a bowl of spaghetti and frozen yogurt.  I’m not stuffed or anything.  I don’t understand.  Well, I do…I blame it on being a girl.  I also blame it on being bored.  Since my better half had surgery, I have been in the house all of the time.  I think I just have cabin fever and need something to do.

I still created a decent calorie deficit, and I am doing pretty well I guess. I should not focus on these minor setbacks, but sometimes it is just hard not to get discouraged.

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Hello world!

I thought I would start my diet blog by telling about my weight loss journey.  I am really self-conscious about my weight; therefore, it is difficult to be honest about my feelings, what I eat, when I exercise etc.  I think blogging and having a support group will help me be accountable since I tend to go up and down.

I have always been overweight.  In the last 7 or so years, my weight has really skyrocketed and I am just getting it under control.  Last November my dad approached me and stated that I was “slowly killing myself,” my clients (I am a mental health counselor) would never trust me because I cannot take care of myself, insurance companies will not want me because I am too big of a health risk, and I will never find other employment.  While this was not an acceptable approach to this topic, and I became extremely upset and left my family early, I knew I needed to change.

Therefore, I began my weight loss journey.  I have been up and down in my motivation for eating healthy and exercising.  For exercise, I mainly do at home DVDs as it is really hard for me to get to a gym.  I live in a pretty rural area and we only have one decent gym in the area.  I generally do the two or three month long programs, such as insanity and body revolution.  Since then, I have lost about 40 pounds.  I would like to get down to about 140 pounds, which means I still have about 140 pounds to lose.

I have to say that I am obsessed with Jillian Michaels.  Currently, I feel like I am slowly getting back on the horse.  I am doing the body revolution program.  I am also making more meals at home, but I still choose to eat fast food on more occasions than I would like to admit.  My better half had foot surgery back in July, which is when I began to fall off of the wagon.  We just had to go through another surgery as there were complications from the first one.  While I have not been cooking as much as I would like, I have been doing well in keeping up with my workouts.  I track the majority of calories on My Fitness Pal.  I say majority because I get ashamed when I make poor choices in regard to my food or go over my calorie limit.  I also use a bodymedia device in order to track the calories burned.

So, that’s me and that’s (more or less) my weight loss journey.  I am excited that I have a blog that I can log my thoughts and feelings as well as keep me accountable and motivated.  Here’s to a new chapter!!