Baby Steps

I spent my day reviewing my entire blog.  I started with my first entry and redid all of my categories and tags so it makes more sense.  Looking through, I notice that I have a lot of “tough time” posts.  I tend to blog when I am having an issue or have not been doing well for a while.  In the future, I hope to minimize those posts.  Although, I think it brings it back to losing weight is a struggle and it is a side effect of something else that is going on.

Somewhere throughout all of this, I lost sight of me.  I don’t get “all dolled up” like I used to, and I don’t laugh like I used to, and I take things really personally and bust my ass for other people with the foolish notion that they will like me better or things will be different.  And, I kind of hate myself for that.

Just like this week.  While I stayed (mostly) on point with my diet, I had a REALLY HARD time exercising.  I just could not get my ass out of bed.  I’m just so tired lately and feel like I am losing my drive and ambition.  I have a hard time explaining what happened and how I got here.  But I have, and I have to deal with it.

In addition to all of the things you are “supposed” to do when you are trying to lose weight (exercise, eat right, blah, blah, blah), I’m going to do the little things for myself.  Like, put eyeshadow on when I wear makeup, wear jewelry, read, do my daily mask, take a bubble bath…just those little things to make me feel good about me.

After all, all I have is me.

Personal, Progress

Every Journey Begins with a Step

…and for me that’s my first step on the scale in a long time.

I’m not really sure how I got out of my healthy habits, but I did, and I definitely paid for it.  I started cooking less and eating out more.  I haven’t been consistently working out.  I don’t have a plan.  As a person who likes a plan, this surprises me.  I can make a lot of excuses, but the bottom line is I stopped investing in myself.

Lately, I have been watching a lot of Extreme Weight Loss.  For those who have not seen the show, go to ABC.Com or look on Hulu plus.  It’s pretty awesome.  I like there is no competition.  It really is about the individual.  And, I really enjoy Chris and Heidi… not as much as I like Jillian, but it’s a pretty close second.  At the beginning of every show, Chris and/or Heidi “ambush” the new contestant and choose them for the transformation of a lifetime.  The transformation always starts with the contestant stepping on the scale and bearing their weight to the world.

So, here it is.  All of my measurements and the vulnerability that goes along with bearing my weaknesses to the world.  This is also the new beginning to my journey.  I have really missed blogging, and I’m going to start blogging about my life.  After all, this is MY journey, and my everyday life and habits play a huge part in my journey.   This is also my commitment to change.  Here I am:

Weight: 270.9 lbs

Bust: 47 inches

Waist: 47.5 inches

Hips: 55 inches

Thigh: 31 inches

Arm: 17.5 inches

There it is.  It’s not something I’m proud of, but it’s there.  The next thing they do on Extreme Weight Loss is make goals.  The year is divided into 4 phases, each phase lasting three months.  In three months, I will be going to Las Vegas with my wife and my mom for her 60th birthday.  During the first phase, the weight loss goal is about 25% of their original body weight.  The first phase is also spent in a medically supervised facility.  Since I am in the comfort of my own home, I’m going to aim for 15% of my original body weight.  This means, by Las Vegas, I want to weigh 230 labs or less.

Here’s to the last day of hating my size, and the beginning of a transformation.


Taking the Bull by the Horns

Sometimes, I think you need to shake things up in order for everything to fall where it needs to fall.

This past week, I got into a horrible fight with one of my mentors.  Mind you, I have so much respect and admiration for this person that I do not think I have ever looked up to anyone so much.  To hear some of the things that were said hurt.  They hurt really bad.  This is not to say some of the things that were said weren’t true; it was just hard to hear.  I think I am more upset that a relationship I really value is changing, and change scares me.  But, like I said, maybe things have to fall apart to fall into place.  I’m ready for them to fall into place.  I’m just ready to have my mentor back.

In every effort to move forward, I think it’s time to shake things up…grab the bull by the horns so to speak (I learned that from my mentor).  Here’s the plan…

I’m going to take control of my exercise and eating habits.  No more breaking down when things get hard or any of the bullshit I tell myself.  Time to figure it out.  Period.  My workout buddy and I finished Focus T25 (Alpha, Beta, and Gamma thank you very much) and have moved on to Jillian’s Body Revolution.  I’m super stoked and more about that later.

Second, I think I’m going to start my own, little business.  Believe it or not, I also have a crafty side and wreath making has been keeping me busy these days.  I’ve sent pictures to a few of my friends/family, and many of them have expressed interest in having one and encouraging me to explore selling them.  So, I think I am going to do just that.  I’m taking it slow to actually start selling as I am researching and trying to take the time to set it up properly.  However, I have a blog, facebook page, and pinterest account.  I’ve had the blog for a long time, and I set up shop a while ago and never did anything with it.  This is actually a long dream in the making, and I am super excited about it.  I’ve already researched tax stuff and talked with a dear friend who is an accountant (HI ALLISON!!), so things are rolling.

Now, I just have to stay organized and do the “not fun” stuff when I am feeling lazy.  This includes setting up blog posts and scheduling meals and keeping track of all of my purchases.  I need to be disciplined.  There have been too many times when I have just let things happen.

It’s time to take the bull by the horns.


A Numbers Game

I bit the bullet and weighed myself this morning.  It was not pretty.  I GAINED weight.  Of course, this began the parade of insults and self-loathing comments to myself.  Most of all, I just did not understand.  I lost so many inches this week during beta; how could I gain pounds.  My better half says it is probably muscle as beta does some more strength things.  I also think it has to do with my (TMI moment) cycle being here.  I do have bad cycles, and all of the side effects that go along with it.

After I said all of these horrible things about myself, I went for my run.  During my run, I was thinking how motivated I am by numbers.  When I lost all of those inches, I was stoked to do it all again next week so I could see more results.  When I was devastated by the numbers on the scale, I was motivated to do more in order to hit the number I want to achieve.  Either way, I am motivated to see the number drop.

So what stops it?  Temptation?  Yummy food that has less than stellar health benefits?  I think, for me, it comes down to convenience.  I don’t feel like cooking or planning to cook, so I go out.  When I go out, I tend to order things that are not good for me.  Let’s be honest, even the things that are better for you are not that great for you.  I am trying to organize my life so that my better half and I go out once per week.  This way, we can have a date night, I can have one meal where I up my caloric intake, but I’m not sabotaging myself either.

Losing weight is WORK (so is putting it on, but that’s a conversation for another day).  For me, sometimes it comes down to the fact that I don’t want to put in the effort because I’m tired, don’t feel like it, think I deserve a “day off” (that turns into 3 or 4 meals).  This is also when I “forget” about the numbers.  I justify my poor habits by saying that I have done well and one poor choice will not do any harm.

It is when I really look at the numbers, that is when I get extra motivated.  You can tell when I am “slacking off” more because I stop blogging, stop cooking, stop working out etc.  Starting today, I’m always going to remember the numbers.  I know where I am now, I have a long term goal (125) and a short term goal (230 by the end of beta).  I am going to continue to plan and cook my own meals, except for date night, and I am going to log all of my food so I can track exactly how many calories I am taking in and how many I am burning.

I am determined to win the game.


You are more than a number


I need to remember this more.  I was prepared to talk about fun ways I use to motivate myself, until I got on the scale this morning.  The only scale I have been on in the last few months is the one in the doctor’s office.  That actually went well and I was the weight I thought I was.  I bought a new scale over the weekend in order to better monitor my progress, and weighed myself this morning.  It said I weigh 252 pounds.  Really?!  That’s 7 pounds more than I weighed at the doctor’s office less than a week ago.

Needless to say, I started to get really down on myself and said some really ugly things about myself.  Then, I remembered the quote above.  If I have fat, it is an external thing I can do something about (namely change my diet and continue to exercise).  However, if I am fat, that is a whole different ballgame.

I really need to concentrate on monitoring what I am eating.  I have not been the best eater (at all).  I did well this weekend though.  I have planned out a week of healthy meals, so I know that I have something to eat and do not rely on going out or picking up fast food.  Also, all of my meals (except maybe one) have fruits and vegetables in them, so I know they are healthy and I am continuing to put good things in my body.

I am also trying to stay away from emotional eating, which can be a really big problem.  Especially since I am not having a very good day and there are cookies in the kitchen area (at work).  Cookies are my kryptonite.  It really is kind of a problem.  I am doing good to resist them so far though.

Now I am going to go log my foods, so I can put my money where my mouth is…instead of stuffing it with a cookie.


Picking Back Up Again

I have been away from my blog for too long, and I have thought about this post over and over again.  I had a hard time bringing myself to write it though.  Maybe, deep down, it is because I know that I have experienced one of those pesky setbacks and it has been difficult for me to get back on track again.

Before I go into what my setback was and all of that jazz, I found a picture that really inspired be and caused me to think.


I found this picture on pinterest; however, the original source is this blog.  The person who runs this blog has several of these pictures that I love.  However, this is the first that has really made me stop and think, and the first that has really resonated with me.  I think because “hurting” is what causes my setbacks.  So, onto the good stuff….

I think what really triggers my setbacks is when things at work are chaotic.  To give you guys a brief history, we have experienced several staffing issues causing several staff members to leave (some by choice, some not) throughout the past year.  Transition times are always stressful for us and our clients.  On top of this, some staff members do not have the best attitudes and choose to complain about expectations management sets for us.  The first week of March or so (when my setback began) my supervisor, whom I love very dearly, was sick and left me in charge of some important tasks that needed to be done.  Not only was I stressed out, I was dealing with some negativity from the staff.  On top of this, we found out one of our staff members was leaving and another staff member is not meeting expectations.  Also, one of our interns interfered in a situation which put his internship at jeopardy.  When my supervisor came back we had a “sit down” that upset some staff members.  All of this “upsetness” at the agency causes me to worry about several things, and it brings back old feelings about previous situations toward the beginning of my first professional year.   This “upsetness” is what triggers all of my old habits, such as eating at fast food restaurants, not exercising, sleeping all of the time….which leads to weight gain.

Then, I left to go on a cruise.  While this gave me a chance to relax and de-stress, it was also difficult to get into a exercise pattern.  I attempted to go to the gym.  The first day, I spent 30 minutes on the elliptical and I felt dizzy the entire time.  We were on some rough waters, and I had a really hard time in the gym.  The second day, I tried a yoga class and could not balance to save my life.  I felt like I was all over the place and did not get a good workout.  Also, it was $12 for a 30 minute class, which I think is just insanity.  While I could have done more to get physical activity in, such as take the stairs instead of the elevator, I chose to just let things be.  I feel like I ate a little bit better while on the cruise.  For example, I would choose lots of melons at breakfast, made sure to skip the pasta at dinner, and order an extra serving of vegetables.

I have not weighed myself to know exactly how much weight I’ve gained.  This weekend I planned my weekly menu full of healthy recipes.  I need to plan my exercises out again on my calendar.  On the bright side, I only missed three days of working out in February.  In February, I did two weeks of phase 3 of Body Revolution.  However, I still struggle with this phase, so I need to do the first part for at least another couple of weeks then move on to finish the program!!  I also bought Jillian’s Slim for Life book yesterday.  If you have been following my blog, you’ll know I have been reading this.  However, it is really difficult for me to read it on my nook as I want to write in it and flip back and forth.  Also, I bought tickets to see Jillian in Chicago in May.  Sadly, I could not afford VIP tickets (as I would LOVE to meet her); however, I am SUPER excited to see her on tour.

I look forward to posting more on my blog in the future as when I post, I am on top of my game and it does hold me accountable.  Until next time…







Nonmoving updates

I haven’t seen the scale move in so long.  I am starting to become really annoyed, because I am really good about working out and have been trying really hard to eat the right foods.  I know what they say about try…you either do it or you don’t.  I find I am falling back into old patterns more often than I would like, but for the most part I am staying on track.  I do not eat out as much and I only cook healthy food.  Even with all of the work, the scale is not moving.

I have learned that I really stink at keeping track of my food intake.  This is really upsetting to me because I used to be really disciplined with myfitnesspal.  When I say “really disciplined,” I mean I did it for a few weeks straight.  I think this week has been really emotional for me, personally and professionally.  I know there was a day when I ate three pieces of cake.  Oh my goodness was I ashamed of myself.  It really was a low moment.  I am planning to start blogging more about my emotions.  I think this is a big piece of the problem.  I will think to myself “you know, I should blog about this,” and I always end up reading or viggling instead.  I really do plan to blog about my personal issues in upcoming posts.  Be on the lookout for them.  Now, back to some basics about my food journaling.

I am pretty decent about logging my breakfast and lunch.  It really is dinner that is the problem.  Also, I find that I am really under my calorie intake a lot.  I know that is a horrible problem to have, but it could be a problem nonetheless.  What happens is I will be really under my calories during the week because I cook at home, bring lunch to work…esentially I don’t eat out, and I do not (usually) keep junk food in my house.  The super bowl was the exception to this rule, and I ended up eating three pieces of cake I did not really enjoy…but I digress.  During the weekend, I find myself eating more calories than I probably should, at least that is my guess because I rarely keep track of my calories.

Also, I think I am a little grumpy about the calorie journal on the Jillian Michaels website, which I think I am slightly disappointed because I love Jillian Michaels.  I am disappointed mainly because I think it is difficult to find foods.  You have to search by brand then name and so on.  If you do not search it correctly, it has difficulty finding the food (even if it is in the database).  I much prefer My Fitness Pal.  Their database is extensive and easy to search.  I also like the recipie builder so I can calculate the calories using the ingredients I actually purchase as opposed to relying on the nutritional informaiton given.

After all of this talk, I need a plan of action.  After all, what good is complaining if I am not going to do anything about it.  I plan to create a schedule in order to get myself into a routine of blogging and logging my food while still creating time to do the things I love (or the things I have to do).  After all, I can calculate calories and watch The Biggest Loser, right?  Also, I need to start wearing my Bodymedia all of the time.  It has been a week since I have worn it.  I know the more I wear it the more accurate it will become when I cannot wear it.

In effort to end on a positive note, I have been noticing a difference in my body.  I can see the line in my calves when I flex them, and I am starting to develop noticible muscle on my arms (especially when I flex).  I was like a kid in a candy store when I noticed it, and I was so excited to show my better half.  It is nice to see that my exercise is paying off in some way.  Now if I can just get rid of this fat, I would be fantastic.  I know this is a marathon, not a sprint…but it would still be nice to know I am getting rid of some of that fat.

Goals, Personal

Weekly Goals

This week has been nuts.  I feel like I have done pretty well, but for some reason I think that my head is spinning and I am getting no where.  Maybe it’s just that I have been cooped up inside for a while, but I just do not feel like myself.  I do not know what is wrong with me, because I know that I have done well this week.  I have done all of my workouts and I have tried a new class.  I decided to create a new weekly goal in order to help myself continue to move forward.

I have felt in a “slump” recently, and I am not sure why.  I am sleeping a lot.  However, I have not slept well at night this past week.  I slept Friday afternoon, half of the day on Saturday, and I took a little nap during a movie today.  I think between the napping and the sitting in my apartment I am feeling down and sluggish.  I am hoping the start of this coming week will be better.  On top of it, we have plans this weekend, and it is the super bowl.

I thought this week I would start with one goal.  I think I have been doing well with my eating; however, I am HORRIBLE at keeping track of my calories.  The moral of the story is, I do not really know what I am eating.  Therefore, my goal this week is to keep track of what I am eating in my Jillian Michaels program.  


Reflection and Changes

I know I haven’t posted in a while.  To be honest, I haven’t done a lot of anything in a while.  There are a few reasons for this.  Things have been really crazy at work; therefore, I have not been connected to my blog or the Jillian Michaels message boards.  However, I was still able to maintain my exercise regimen (for the most part) and healthy eating.  It all began last Friday, January 11, 2013, my great-grandmother passed away.  She was 105 years old, so she lived a fabulous life.  She had only lived in the nursing home for a year after she broke her second hip at 104.  I live a good ways away from the rest of my family, which means I had to wait to hear when the funeral was and such before I could go down.  Between the time she passed and the time of her funeral, I had a lot of work to get done, which is what led to my poor eating habits.  I would go through a drive through and get fried chicken sandwiches, hamburgers, and fries instead of packing something or picking up something healthy.  Going to the funeral was not much better as far as my eating.  We had the typical funeral food, which consisted of fried chicken and vegetables covered in butter and oil.  I did not eat very well, and I notice a difference.  I am not as energized or as motivated as I was when I was eating healthy and exercising regularly.  For the last few days, I have been thinking about what leads to my “self-sabotage” and have thought about some changes I can make.

First, I realized that focusing on my diet and exercise is not the only thing that I need to work on in terms of balance and being a “better me.”  I need to do things I enjoy, such as read books and craft and sleep.  Therefore, I decided to create my new blog called “The Me Project.”  While I still want the main focus of the blog to be health and fitness related, I also want to write about some other things that help me stay balanced and lead a “healthier” life.  There is more to health than just weight loss.  It’s also about stress management and happiness.  I am lucky to have a job I enjoy and that makes me happy; however, there are so many more things that make me happy that I do not usually make time for.  However, I have been trying to find the time to do more of these things.  I am going to start blogging about more things I enjoy, such as books and crafts I come up with.  I also want to start adding pictures…motivational pictures, pictures of things I create, all that stuff.

For now, that’s where I’m going to leave it.  I’m going to go for walks this weekend and get started on Body Revolution again on Monday.  That way I’m not messing up my schedule.  I think I am going to change it around to make my rest days on Thursdays.  I work late on Thursdays and do not get home until late.  This means I do not eat dinner until late as well.  It is difficult to get an effective workout in on a more than empty stomach (even if I eat some kind of snack before I get home).  Just to make my life easier, I am going to do it this way.  I think this is a major contributor to me getting off schedule.  Then, I can take a walk or do cardio on Sundays, which is not so bad.

As I get more into this, I may start a facebook page and/or a twitter account.  That will keep me more involved.  For now, I am going to make sure I can maintain my blog posts.  Hopefully I am well on my way to figuring out my barriers and can continue to work on me.